I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
