I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
