i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
