The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
