My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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