So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Panties = found
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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