you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
