My Higher Power is John Stamos
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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