He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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