oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
