but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
