I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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