I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
