A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
