when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
