Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
