did you get engaged???
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize