did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The air was thick with penises
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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