Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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