So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
