Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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