Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize