He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
