saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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