A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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