Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
