Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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