He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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