He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
