Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
