I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
