One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
