There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
