Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize