My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My penis needs a shock collar
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
