I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This baby is an asshole
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
