Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
