WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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