I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize