Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize