I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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