It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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