I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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