i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize