you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
