We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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