I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
