I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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