Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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