The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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