dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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