is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
