I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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