I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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