I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Im part way to drunk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
