i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
