And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
